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( MAKE ART, NOT WAR )
Open Heart
Hi reader. Just a quick note for you to bear in mind that I am not an English native speaker and my learning process is still ongoing. Thus, whether you spot any mistake, be compassionate and let me know!
I will be delighted to learn from you 💕
Giulia
Hi, today is the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women. It also happens to be the first time where I am actively channelling my experience into public domain words. It has been scary and still it is.
Just a quick and important note before we start: every possible violence needs to be banned.
Dear kind reader, open your heart and take good care of these words.
I went through three fundamental steps which I talk about now.
1) denial
I have refused what happened/ was happening to me for a long time because it hurts.
As my therapist claims, we (humans) are also designed to protect ourselves and when a threat shows up, the brain activates a very primordial survival mechanism to cope with violence finding a way to fight back (or just fight).
From this moment ongoing, the alarm is on and it is going to stay put like that for a very long time.
We live in a system – which we have built, by the way – where people experience life without emotional awareness; we are not accustomed to turning our care inward and listening what we feel.
We do not care about our feelings in daily life, so imagine how distant the emotional sphere is from us throughout and afterwards an abusive violent episode.
When we become victims of violence – given the fact that adrenaline runs into our veins as if we were a gazelle chased by a hungry lion – we unconsciously force our heart, the beautiful dwelling of all the emotions, into a deep dark dimension.
We are not aware of it, of course, because nobody has taught us any different path. We lock everything in and throw away the key. BUT that complex mix of life does not agree with it, readers, it kicks and punches instead, until somebody (us) will finally listen to it.
Luckily, we become aware of rage, frustration, and other “hard emotions” – at a certain degree at least; unluckily, they are louder than another range of sentiments or “soft emotions” which remain unheard and hidden until the second step:
2) the struggle
A struggle, a terrible fight against ourselves, unfortunately.
I behaved like that and I do know I am not the only one.
Who has ever prepared us to deal with such things after all?
You just run away from that unbearable pain which you want to get rid of; you kick, punch, and bite it because you can not hide from it and the only possible way it is to engage a fight.
That pain wakes you up in the middle of the night.
“You, again? Are you STILL here? I am sick of you controlling my life from within! GO AWAY!”
Your life seems to be bounded to The Pain forever because the sky above you is always dark and all those nasty little black clouds are floating around you
and with them your terror,
the anxiety.
As well as we are unprepared to deal with pain then we are untrained to recognize it too.
The people around you, even the closest ones, only judge you as if you were in charge of that. They can not comprehend and make you feel lost in the gloomy cold hole forever.
It is a monster who wants to drag you around and this is actually the reason why you run so fast because you are terrified to be caught by it.
And when it catches you, it breaks you in a thousand pieces.
And when you will be broken like that, who on Earth is going to help you stand up again? Will you be ever able to stand up again?
You can not surrender.
You instinctively engage the run although it makes you tired, consuming you from the inside of your guts until you transform into the worse possible version of yourself.
I consider myself a lucky woman because Mother Nature had provided me with a strong personality which allowed me to jump from the bottom upright and turn into the Giulia-Warrior version.
That is how I moved ahead to phase 3
3) the light
No healing comes joyfully, not at the beginning – at least – of a situation like that.
You must sooth a bruising infection (which hurts a lot) and it takes a while before the recovering process takes place.
I touched the so-called bottom on February 2016, when I woke up with a panic attack which has endured for 3 months.
T-h-r-e-e m-o-n-t-h-s you understood it right. My friends and loved ones have played a fundamental role throughout the process of acceptance and healing.
To be honest with you, also those who took advantage of my vulnerability have been important because they made me stronger.
Moreover, they helped me choose which kind of person I would have wanted to become.
I have chosen love and the way of compassion, in a Buddhist meaning. (No, I am not Buddhist; however, I find some teachings extremely useful to me).
I have chosen to go through the dark forest re-experiencing humiliation, impotence, loneliness, the neglect (the “soft emotions”) with a new awareness.
Since that time, I have been listening to all this complex mix of emotions.
Sometimes it is fucking difficult because I wish I could live an “ordinary life” but I can not.
I have the personal power to heal the present moment accepting the wounds and be kind to them (they had enough of bad).
I am learning to love myself and to understand on a deeper level that human beings can be also aggressive and violent.
They have been hurt as well, that is all, and nobody has neither taught them how to deal with traumas.
My art budded from here.
I can see my pain,
I see the pain in you.
I embrace myself,
I let you come in,
we can heal
the World’s pain
together.
Everybody,
little by little,
which is not little at all
’cause, you see,
the greatest horrors
come from the biggest pains
of the smallest human beings
who have forgotten
how to be happy.
Thanks for reading.
I am crying right now, and it feels like a huge breath out.
I am feeling less alone.
I hope with all my troubled heart to have helped you whether you needed it.
Remember, reader, that we not only have the pain but also the cure, which can come from the most unthinkable thing.
I can see you, whoever you are, and I know you can feel the pain of this world and are scared, but you are not alone.
An immense empathic hug,
Giulia
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